Need to make some changes.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Not sure if it was the headache I still had from last night of the voice of my 5 year old telling me she wished she wasn't my kids just before she went to bed.  Getting her ready for school meant some yelling, griping, not nice words (from all involved) at times and today it was more heart wrenching heartache words from that same little girl.  She told me that she didn't like home cause she never has any fun here, she likes school cause its fun.  I immediately started crying, not because of what she she said, but because what she said was true.  I'm really putting myself out there and saying some truths that some of you may think I truly am a bad mother, because what I say is the truth.  I have said over and over I want to change and do better and be better, but I never do, or I might for a while then go right back.  I always dreamed of the mom I thought I would be, or wanted to be and I get very discouraged because I am not that mom.  I admit I do not spend enough time with my kids, actually not really much at all.  I get mixed up or waste time on the computer, FB, watching TV, some cleaning and laundry is in there, but its the bare minimum. Its much easier to send the kids upstairs to play or watch a movie and lately its been really easy cause they have been playing so well together.  It usually starts out as, "Go play while I empty the dishwasher, or fold these clothes."  Then I get done with that and they are still playing nicely, so I do something else, then something else and before you know it, its time to do something else, like get lunch ready, or nap, or dinner, then before I know it its bedtime and I have not spent any time playing with my kids or enjoying them.  The time spent with them most of the time is cleaning up a mess they've made while I'm "busy" doing something else.  Then while doing that, they are off destroying something else and its just following them around putting out fires.  I know thats what its all about having so many small children, but it doesn't give me the excuse to not spend time with them.  I always wanted to be that mom that did fun crafts with my kids or played games with them, or read stories all the time, or play ball with them and what do I do?  Push them aside "for later".


Loy started a study with some of the guys from church.  They are reading a book and then Skyping and discussing.  He stared the book Sunday and decided to read it out loud so I could hear too.  It really cut me especially the part about craving happiness. I think I fall under this catagory.  He talks about looking for what makes us happy in this world.  For me I know its shopping and stuff.  Trying to find those "things" that will make me happy.  Like I want patio furniture for my porch.  Yes it will be enjoyable because I will be able to use that item to enjoy the outside and relax, but its all consuming.  I scour Craigslist looking for "just the right thing".  Or I want a new car.  My car is having problems that need fixed, the seat is torn up, it gets terrible gas milage and I'm just bored with it.  I got married, then I wanted a baby, then I wanted to go back to school, then I wanted to move out to the country, then I needed to build a new house, then I had to go to work.  Now I want a vegetable garden and learn how to can, and I want chickens and goats and maybe some cows and I want to plant a fruit orchard.  And you may look at those things and think there is nothing wrong with that, but there is when it is all consuming and I spend my time dreaming, thinking about and "researching" these things on the internet.  I'm always wanting something more or different then what I have right here, right now.  If this is the way I am now, who's to say when I get those things, I will be happy then.  I don't think I will be.  So I need to change my attitude or my outlook.  In the book the author talks about hungering for righteousness.  He talks about Matthew 5:6 in which Jesus says in the , "⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled."  He points out that He doesn't say "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for happiness" because that will just leave us disappointed.  Instead we need to be looking and searching for what will make us like Christ and when we focus on this righteousness we will be happy and we will be happy in our lives and we don't have to look elsewhere for our happiness.  I the next section he talks about the parallel to the tree planted by the streams of water and are deep in the Word of God.  Roots deep in the holiness of God will survive unlike those that are surface roots of the world; money, power, things, and many other things.  If we have roots like this we will be uprooted and continuously be searching again for happiness.  But if we sink our roots deep in the pursuit  God and godliness we will have joy and true happiness.


So my plan for now?  I am going to find happiness in what I am, a housewife and mother.  I get bored doing the house work, laundry, cleaning toilets, dirty dishes, cleaning up toys and the list goes on and on.  And those things don't seem glamourous, but I need to change my outlook.  They are glamourous.  They are because I should happiness that I have a house to clean, we have enough clothes that I can never get caught up on the laundry, we have indoor plumbing and toilets inside this house we own, we have food that dirty those dishes, we have enough money that we are able to buy things for our kids, whether they need it or not.  I feel like I am dishonoring my husband by not taking care of the house.  He works very hard away from home making a living for us.  He should be able to come home to a clean, happy home where he can relax and unwind from his day.  i am going to try my hardest to do these things, for him.  Then my kids.  I have amazing kids!  I truly do, they are smart, funny, creative and healthy.  I am going to miss this part of their life if I continuously shove them aside till later.  I want to have a good, strong relationship with my kids.  I want them to think I am fun and we have a good time together and they are also well behaved, both at home and away from home.  I want my kids to think its fun  to be home.  Leave it to kids to tell you the truth and how things really are.  I knew I was struggling with these things and have plans to change, but when you hear it from the mouth of babes, you know things need to change.  How sad it is to think my kids don't like to be home with me. 


So, I'm going to work on changing.  I'm not going to think about "things" that I want and think will make me happy, instead I'm going to spend more time with the things I have and are important.  No more stuff.  I need to do my job that I was appointed to do.  I want to be able to get up in the mornings, early, before everyone else and spend time with God, in His word and praying.  What would be a better way to start the day and get me in the right mind.  My problem is getting up in the morning, I can't get up early until I absolutely have to.  How do I fix that?  I need to figure it out because it is something I really need to do.


This is a very long post but I'm not thinking anyone will read it anyway, so it is mostly for me and a way to get things out there and off my chest.  If you did read this and have tips or advice, leave them for me, or just say a prayer for me as I struggle with this daily.  here are a few pictures to remind me of my blessings.

My wonderful, loving, supportive, devoted husband of almost 8 years (how did I get so lucky?)

Sweet, funny, lovable, all-boy Andrew

Funny, stubborn, quirky, curly-haired beauty Claire

Smart, creative, spunky, caring Grace

Yes, this is a material item, but it is where all my other blessings reside in one place, together.